Sunday Inspiration

I will try again tomorrow. Today. this morning. This afternoon. This night.

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Dream a Little Dream

I walked into the doctor's office on Thursday morning resolute. I was going to be calm. I was going to be firm. I'd lay out my position. I'd flatly state my case. This time I would prevail.

"Doctor," I envisioned myself saying. " I've decided it's time for the Lap-band surgery."

No, Gastric Bypass for me. Sure it's faster. A little more permanent. But I like the idea of the lap-band. I like the idea that someday I can remove it. That it's adjustable. That I have to change my diet and my lifestyle but that I'd have just one more weapon in my arsenal. Mama's little helper. Without all those nasty side effects. Lap-band surgery. It's time.

Shoulders back, head up, pushed through the big heavy doors, checked in and sat in the waiting room. I was going to do it.  The kids will be grown soon. There is still so much I want to do with my life. Like, ya know walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath and wander around San Francisco and go to Europe and get married again. I want to get a great job. A dream job. A job in which I wake everyday grateful because I get to go to work. I want to run. Like I do in my dreams. Fast and free sprinting across the landscape.

"I want lap-band surgery." I practiced in my head. "I want lap-band surgery. I've researched and read. I have insurance. I want it."

Lifted my head and waved in acknowledgement of my name being called. "I want lap-band." Stepping off the scale. "I want lap.." Into the room. Really all my clothes off? It's just a physical. Wrapping myself in the handkerchief square of paper. "I want..." Waiting for 25 minutes. "I..."

Really perfectly healthy huh? Great blood pressure, pulse, blood sugar. No, no thyroid problems. Well, that's, ummm great."  ..." Of course I can exercise every day and watch what I eat. 30lbs in a year is a perfectly reasonable weight loss. No sugar for the rest of my life. OK. or bread. or red meat. or alcohol. Ever."


There's aways next month. I can start practicing now. "I SAID, I WANT..."

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But at Least my Heart won't Explode

I have to go in and get a physical this week. Basically our conversation will go something like..."Doctor, I'd like to start exercising again. Can you please guarantee my poor overworked heart would explode in pure terror since apparently I have exactly no idea of what moderation is..."

To which she'll respond "blah, blah, everything looks fine except for the fact you're morbidly obese and say why don't you do something about that."

To which I'll respond, "Gee since you mention it...is there anything at all you can do Ms. Medical Community about say helping me on my path to good health? Because I swear to the High Lord of all things holy and great shoes, if I work out every single day for an hour a day and eat nothing but veggies and fruit with a little lean white meat mixed in and I only lose ten pounds in that entire six months...I'm gonna cut a...well you get the picture."

To which she'll fire back, "No."

and a little...

"But hey, I can give you these pills which will cause you to spill hot Chile oil in the event you choose to get the full-fat latte rather than the non-fat (even though we all know fat has very little to do with weight gain) because nothing makes us doctors giggle more than a little anal leakage."

To which I'll sit with paper square clutched to my chest and answer, "Thank you Doctor..." and think..."For nothing."

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Carpe the Freakin' Diem.

So I've been on Medi-fast for a little over ten days and off for the last two. Not on purpose. Friday we'll chalk up to some severely bad planning and low will-power. Saturday- I blame on my doctor. Sure I can fast for twelve hours doctor. But once I'm done, watch out people.

I've learned I like the way I feel on Medi-fast. Not so much the I can't think my way out of a paper bag feeling but I do like the increased energy. I like the starting to feel my weight slip away feeling. I like the never being hungry and the level blood sugar. I'm honestly thinking of continuing even after my two weeks are up. Yes- it's pricey. Holy jeebus, is it pricey. But I have to admit. I like not having to plan or think about it (outside of remembering my packets- must remember the packets) and knowing without a doubt I'll be just a little less large than yesterday.

The food (using that term loosely) isn't that bad. Except for the soup- sent that back today. Gag. Oh it was bad.  But they took it back easily and sent me some bars instead.

 I did pick this up today. Need a little fiber. Just in case. I'll start it tomorrow and tell you what I think.

Time to go back to the gym tomorrow. After all the horoscope said it all this morning.

Carpe the Freakin' Diem.

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Yes, Virginia I do have an advanced degree

"I need a drink. Want to go get a drink?" asked a co-worker after a particularly grueling day.

Oh boy did I ever. But can I have a drink? Does this new diet- this two weeks allow for one? Hmmm.  I have to admit I hadn't thought about it. I don't normally drink. Not because of a problem or because I'm militant about it, just because I don't.

But nothing sounded better than a margarita in that moment and getting a few co-workers to join us wasn't so difficult a task.

I don't know what it is but I am dragging this week. Can't focus. Can't think. In a haze, a fog. Words are escaping me. Not so wonderful for the job I currently have- I have to be able to think. To plan. To organize. To communicate. I have to be on it. All the time. Because if I'm not, if I'm not on it all the time. Things slip.

Then it hits me. Of course I can't think, I'm not eating any fat. At all. In the cycle of bar, oatmeal, shake, salad with protein, shake, bar there is no fat. Of course I can't think. The brain needs a little fat. Hello, Omega 3 and 6.

Well the brain needs a little fish oil

...and a drink once in a while.

Ahh, Right there. 

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You mean I have to be the grown-up?

I've been fighting it for months. The little kid in me was winning. Sitting in her corner with her thumb in her mouth, pouting. Crying out plaintively. I don't want to go back to the gym. I don't want to go back on my food plan. I don't want to give up sugar and carbs. It's not fair. No one else has to work out two hours a day. Everyone else can eat normal meals and bread. 

That kid, I tell you.

So I made a deal with myself. Two weeks of Medi-fast. I'd give it a try for two weeks. If I liked it and saw results I could keep going. Maybe.

Hey it's not cheap. Plus I'm feeding three other people.

If nothing else, after two weeks of shakes and bars and hydrated oatmeal, real food would look so good I wouldn't mind fruit and veggies. I could start again. Again.

First day...well, was kind of a train wreck to tell you the truth. The oatmeal- I can't even begin to tell you what I did. Didn't mix it properly. Tried to use a Styrofoam cup instead of a bowl. All I know is instead of oatmeal, I got huge clumpy chunks and what wasn't a clump was the consistency of baby food. Yum. I tried. Tried to get it down but it wasn't happening. Into the trash.

Next up- chicken soup. Yeah that one is going back. Gag. Into the trash.

The bars- pretty ok. You need to drink lots of water with this product! Lots of water!!! The shakes are really good. The vanilla takes just a little bit like cake batter without the thick consistency and doesn't have that chalky after taste most shakes have.

I can't say I'm seeing huge losses yet but maybe it takes a few days.

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Day Two again and again

I did it. I gave in and ordered Medi-fast last night. Cheating? Sure. Do you know in the last five months I've not only gained back the weight I spent a year taking off but also an additional four pounds. All in my stomach. Has to be on my stomach- there's no other space left.

Went to Target to buy some new exercise pants last night and got a good look at myself in the full length mirror. Holy Jesus. Now I know those skinny, skinny little girls stare at me in utter fascination.

But I'm having the hardest time diving back in. Hence the Medi-fast. Not to say I haven't made progress. Completely weaned myself off sodas. Not drinking Starbucks coffee every single day. Was eating Lean Cuisine for lunch and not lunging across my desk and throwing myself at their feet when others asked if I wanted to go out for lunch. Not for the food you understand but just to get out!!!!

I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day. They flashed a picture of an obese person on the screen. Did you know the average obese person has somewhere along the lines of 20 to 30 pounds of undigested food just sitting in their gut? Sitting there, hanging out. I was trying to find the picture but you know the Internet- you can find all the pictures of hanging kitties you want but never what you are actually looking for.  Food just sitting there. Yuck.

So on Feb 28th. I'll get my Medi-fast and we'll see how it goes. I do have either a complaint/kudos to give Medi-fast.  Regular shipping $12.95- want it now it'll cost upwards of $30 and beyond.

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